From the Mind of Bill

Long overdue personal update.

2007-04-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

This blog entry is not meant to inspire or cause discussion, or anything else. It is merely being written because I have been dealing with alot recently and need to let it out. If you don't want to hear me complain, stop reading here.

As many of you know, my grandfather passed away Dec. 6th, 2006. This was 4 days before I was supposed to return from 4 months of studying abroad in England. I made arrangements to postpone a final and switch flights and I left Leeds. After 30 hours on trains, in airports, and on planes, I finally made it back to Pittsburgh to see my grandfather laying in a coffin. I only had about 15 minutes with him as the funeral home was already supposed to be closed and they had given us a little extra time on my account. That night was one of the most confusing nights I have ever had. I spent the night half in tears of sadness and half in tears of joy. I gave my family souvenirs from my 4 months through 15 countries, but couldn't help but notice the empty chair that was usually my grandfather's. Of all the souvenirs I brought home, only one had broken: The crucifix that I bought in Scotland for my grandfather. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning was the funeral itself. Suffering from jet lag, depression, and a feeling of not belonging that I cannot describe, I stood quietly in the pew next to my brother and sister, until I couldn't keep it in any longer. I then stared at this wooden box that would be the eternal home for my grandfather's body and wept uncontrollably.

Let me take a moment and explain some of my feelings leading up to this point: Most of you know me pretty well, and most of you know that when things are bothering me I am usually pretty good about talking to anyone who will listen to help ease the problem. Things were different with my grandfather's death. I had been out of the country for 4 months. The only familiar faces I saw the whole time were 4 classmates who were studying abroad with me. Some of them had been my friends before, and the others I had become friends with during the time abroad. As the semester was coming to an end, I was very homesick. I was counting the days until I could see my family and friends again. Then, as I answered my phone (through my computer) I heard my sister say "Bill, Mom and Dad weren't sure if they should tell you this since you have finals next week and enough on your mind, but I knew that you would want to know: Grandpa fell while no one was home and isn't doing too great. He is in the hospital." At this point, no one knew what the extent of the injuries were except that his face was in bad shape, apparently from hitting his walker and/or the wall before hitting the ground. That night I cried myself to sleep, praying to God. The next couple of days I was getting updates from my family. They found that my grandfather had broken his neck. At first they said he may never come home again, but he should make a full recovery. Then, for unknown reasons, he started doing better, and one doctor or nurse made the comment that he may be able to be transferred to a nursing home in a couple of weeks, and possibly make it home again with more constant care and supervision. The next day, after my first final, I got a call from my parents telling me to prepare for the worst. The hospital had called early in the morning to tell my parents to call of work and come straight to the hospital. Overnight he had gone drastically down hill. I could do nothing but cry as my mom told me that they were trying to keep him alive long enough for me to see him when I got home. I had been researching the possibility of changing my flight to get home a day early because at this point alot could change in 24 hours. I spoke with my sister as she was driving from Ohio back to Pittsburgh. I asked her what she thought about coming home a day early. She said that at this point, she didn't know if that 1 day would be enough. A couple hours later, I was studying with a friend for our second final when my computer made the all too familiar ringing sound of my family calling. When I answered, I heard my brother in the weakest voice I had ever hear him use tell me "Bill, Grandpa just passed away." At that moment I lost any control over my feelings that I might have had. Here I was, over 3000 miles away from home, listening through my computer as my grandfather got hurt, spent time in the hospital, and died. I could do nothing. I couldn't get home in time to see him. It had been over 4 months since I had seen him last. He had gone to my uncle's house while we went on vacation before I left for England. And now I was never going to see him again. This was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I was alone. I felt lost. I felt helpless.

Now, to fast forward to this semester. I have spent most of this semester with a fake smile on my face. I have been detached most of the semester. I have been blaming problems on everything, from too much school work to girl problems (or lack thereof). All semester I have been suffering the same effects of depression that I had in highschool when 7 people I knew died in a 6 month period. I have lashed out on some of you. I have ignored some of you. I haven't been myself and for this I am sorry.

Last night at the Newman Semi-Formal dance, I took time away from everyone to sit and think and pray about what was different. I wondered why everyone had changed so much while I was in England. I finally realized that it was I who had changed, and not for the better. Today, I had time to do some more soul searching. I finally found the root of my problems: I missed my grandfather. Now to some that may sound lame or stupid or even like a semi-valid excuse, but you have to understand that throughout my life my grandfather was the only person I felt truly understood me. He was my main religious influence. He taught me more about life than everyone else combined. He taught me how to truly love and how to use that love to get through the pain of life. I understood him and he understood me. I have been spending this semester looking for a replacement for him. Looking for someone or something that I could confide everything in and relate to. Some one that was not only a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, but who would take it even further and be a person, a mind, and a soul that understood. For those of you who have been there for me in the past, I thank you and have needed and will need your support, but it just isn't the same as it was with him.

So, where do I go from here? Who knows... In the past couple of weeks I had been contemplating more and more the opportunity of permanently volunteering in a third world country. I have since realized that I was thinking about doing this as a means to run away from this life I have here. I was using it as an easy way out; an escape from the hard times. Instead, I think I want to stick around, hopefully find a nice girl and start a family, and maybe someday I can be to my son or grandson what my grandfather was to me.

Rest In Peace Grandpa.

Returning on Ash Wednesday.

2007-02-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

Hello to all,
It is already Ash Wednesday and I decided that this Lent I will stop and take more time for God. One way I plan on doing that is to start writing in this Blog again. Hopefully you can expect new posts weekly or even daily if I can find enough time and enough to write about. As always, please feel free to leave comments as well as suggestions on topics and I will see what I can do.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day, and don't forget: 3 meals and no meat today.

"Your brother has come!"

2006-04-30T09:48:00.000-05:00

I have always enjoyed the story of the Prodigal Son (Reference Luke 15:11 if needed). I have always thought of it as having two meanings for us to apply to our lives: The obvious, which states that no matter what we do, God will always welcome us home, and the often over looked, which states that God always takes care of us while we are faithful. I will be focusing on the second point.

There are so many wonderful people who have become Neophytes (came into full communion with the Church) with their story of "Coming home." It is a very warming and welcoming sight to see and story to hear. But what about those of us who were Cradle Catholics (Catholics by birth)? Why don't we get to experience these tremendous experiences? Why don't we get this shower of God's love? The father in the parable explains it quite well:

"Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours."

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we "have never disobeyed" God. I know I have many times, as I am sure the other son had disobeyed his father. We, just as the other son, become blinded by jealousy and overlook our own transgressions when complaining to God. But this is the amazing part: God does not correct us. He does not say "Hey, you did disobey me." but instead says "all that is mine is yours." How joyous we should be! All that is God's is ours, including salvation! During this Easter Season remember this story. Remember that no matter which son you are, you have had your faults, but God will either bring you home, or he is already keeping you there even though you are unworthy.

Welcome to Holy Week

2006-04-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Holy Week: The most saddening and most joyous week of the year.
The week started off with Palm Sunday. On Palm Sunday we went from the first Gospel which showed Jesus entering in a king like fashion to the second Gospel where Jesus was brutally murdered like a hardened criminal. This really sets the tone for the whole week.
Next up is Holy Thursday. This is the day of the Last Supper. This is where Jesus said that he is giving himself to us. It is also the day that he revealed how sin would kill him. The Catholic church bases its weekly (and optional daily) Eucharist on this day.
Good Friday. This name may seem deceiving, but it is true. Yes, on this day, we all were responsible for killing our own savior. Yet this is part of God's will and is the only way to save us.
Holy Saturday follows. What grief must the apostles have felt seeing their Messiah and friend die, and buried in the tomb. If only they had faith in what Jesus had told them! "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up."
Easter Sunday! This is the most joyous day of the year! Jesus is risen! Jesus has conquered sin and death for everyone!

So, I urge you to take a moment for reflection every day. Go to a quiet place, kneel down before a cross, look into the face of Jesus and look at the nails and thorns you have placed into him. Then after you acknowledge you are a human who is plagued with sin, remember God's love for you. Remember, there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend. Jesus has given up his life, a life so pure and holy, for all of us, a group of sinners, so that we may not have to suffer the way he did.

Psalmo Veintitres (Psalm 23)

2006-03-31T13:01:00.000-05:00

Psalmo 23

El Señor es mi pastor, nada me falta. Me hace descansar en verdes
pastos. Me guía a arroyos de tranquilas aguas. Me da nuevas
fuerzas. Me lleva por caminos rectos haciendo honor a su nombre.
Aunque pase por el más oscuro de los valles, no temeré peligro alguno
porque tú, Señor estás conmigo. Tu vara y tu bastón me inspiran
confianza.

This is very popular in the Dominican Republic... Psalm 23. It is not hard to understand why it is so popular. Take a look at a couple of the most powerful lines:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil"

These are the people that are some of the poorest in the world, and here they are confident that they want nothing more. These are the people that are surrounded by gangs and violence, disease and slavery, yet they know and profess that they fear none of it. How great it is to be so loved by God that you do not need anything else. How wonderful to know that you have nothing of which to be fearful.

There is a famous saying that states "You don't know what you have until you lose it." In this case, however, it is quite the opposite. One will not know how much they really have until they find it through God. In the USA we are so overwhelmed by material goods and wanting the best of everything. It is human nature and it is also embedded in us by our culture. We are all guilty of it. I know I am extremely guilty of it. But I say this: Give it all up. Give everything up until you have nothing left. Give all of your posessions, your thoughts, you life. Give it all.

Now at this point you are probably thinking that I am crazy and ready to ask me why I am still surrounded by material things. Let me explain. For most people, it would be unwise and unnecessary to literally give these things away. If everyone tried to do that, you wouldn't even have anyone to give them to! So what are you supposed to do? Offer them up to the Lord. Thank Him everyday for all He has given to you. Use these things for good instead of evil. If we all got rid of everything and walked around in a desert, sure we would be humble, but how would we be helping the spread of the Good News? Instead, take you talents, take your earthly baggage, and do something with it. This is part of what I am doing. I know that a college kid with a religious based blog is not going to change the world. But maybe it will inspire one person, just one person, to change something, and that is how the world will be changed.

I'm Back, and Food for Thought, or Hungry Stomaches

2006-03-16T10:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay. I came back from the trip and was thrown right back into a lot of school work. The next couple of posts will probably all deal with the Dominican unless other topics arise.

What have you eaten today? How many times have you eaten today. I know that I have not yet eaten, but will probably have 2 large meals today, and maybe a snack of some sort. Why is this relavent? While in the Dominican we worked in Haitian refugee villages. In these villages there were people who lived a life of (relative) luxery such as the vodoo priest, and there were others who didnt even have enough money to rent a shack made from old oil cans. Part of what we did over the week was feeding the hungry. Unfortunately we did not have enough food to feed everyone. This is even more unfortunate when you consider how much excess countries such as the United States have. But we did what we could, and fed the children first. The children were amazing: They had stomaches that were bloated due to starvation, diseases due to malnutrition, and we come in bringing food, but they did not rush for the food. They would rather play with us (they kicked our butt in musical chairs), sing songs with us (they all have rythm and can keep a beat even on a plate), and just share in our company.

We also took some food to the garbage dump. There are people who both live and work in the dump. Their daily job is to sort through garbage, find anything of value, then go sell it. These people live a lifestyle that most "civilized" countries couldn't even fathom. They are walking around with two different shoes that they have found, neither one fitting correctly, sorting through piles of food waste and grotesque garbage, surrounded by flys and other insects as well as a stench that could make you gag from the entrance to the dump. But they too showed an innocence like the children of the village. A few friends and I got to play with the junkyard band. Others played baseball with the kids using a bamboo stick and a plastic bottle cap. Then we shared a meal and had to be on our way, but they asked us to visit their homes (for the ones that lived in villages) and offered us anything and everything they had.

So, when you sit down to eat today, I don't ask you to starve yourself, as that will be no help to the cause. Instead, say a prayer for those who will not get to eat today, and maybe find a way to help those who you can, such as taking left over food from restaurants and cafeterias to local homeless shelters.

Oh, you can see pictures from the trip at http://www.box.net/public/3dlbs44jqd
You may need to sign up for a free account. To view as a slideshow click on the "Actions" button and click "Photo Slideshow"

Not for the Weak of Faith

2006-03-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

"Charity is patient, is kind; charity does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with the truth, bears with all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4-7).
To have Charity is to love God above all things for Himself and be ready to renounce all created things rather than offend Him by serious sin.
( Matt. 22:36-40)

Well, in less than 3 hours I will be on my way to the Dominican Republic to help Haitian Refugees. Part of me wishes I was going back to Haiti this year, but it just isnt safe enough with the election and the kidnappings. However, I do trust that God is having me go for a reason. Project Haiti is always that "brick wall" I talk about that gets me going in the right direction again, and for the right reason. I ask that if you read this before March 12th, you say a little prayer for Project Haiti and the people we are going to help.
I will leave you with the Litany of Humility:

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

This is what matters in life.

2006-02-25T22:22:00.000-05:00

My parents came up for the weekend. They wanted to see me again before I spend 10 days helping the Haitian refugees in the Dominican Republic. This got me thinking about life and what really matters. I can tell you what matters: Family. Last year, while in Haiti, I learned a very valuable lesson. When you meet a person in Haiti they always say three things: Hello. How are you? How's your family? They, in their "simple" lifestyle, have discovered happiness. They realize that if your family is doing well then there is nothing you should worry about or complain about.

I, however, almost learned this lesson too late. While I was in Haiti my grandfather went into the hospital and the doctors told him he had 2 weeks to live. Oh how I wished I could have spent more time with him listening and learning. I cried and I prayed. By God's grace he was given more time on this earth. Instead of living for 2 weeks, he has now been alive and (relatively) healthy for almost a year.

So now, on this one year anniversary, I shall once again be traveling to a third world country to help those in physical need, but also so they can help all of us with our emotional and spiritual needs. We will be giving them food and medical supplies and housing, but they will be giving us much more: They will be giving us a purpose, a meaning, a reason for caring, and most importantly showing us how to love unconditionally.

South Dakota passes anti-abortion law!

2006-02-23T02:11:00.000-05:00

Alleluia! A great first step in the right direction!

South Dakota became the first U.S. state to pass a law banning abortion in virtually all cases, with the intention of forcing the Supreme Court to reconsider its 1973 decision legalizing the procedure.

The law, which would punish doctors who perform the operation with a five-year prison term and a $5,000 fine, awaits the signature of Republican Gov. Michael Rounds and people on both sides of the issue say he is unlikely to veto it.

Yahoo News Article

Time to get the other states to follow!

Ms. Right or Ms. Right-now?

2006-02-22T23:14:00.000-05:00

Call me old fashioned, call me sappy, call me traditional... When I like a girl, I do not think "I wonder if she is good in bed," instead I wonder "Is she the one I will spend my life with?" I was speaking with a friend earlier tonight. He is in High School and has just started dating a girl that he likes. He made the comment that he didn't think it would last that long, and that he was just happy dating for as long as it lasted. I see the trend becomming more and more prevalent. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the one that is different, but I view dating as a means to find Ms. Right, not Ms. Right-now. I am sure that this is due mainly to my faith: I am not looking for one night stands since I am saving myself for marriage. Of course, many of my friends view me as "missing out" on what college is "supposed to be," but you know what? I am happy where I am. Sometimes I worry that I am running out of time for finding Ms. Right. I worry because I don't think I would be able to find Ms. Right at a bar or any other normal meeting place after I graduate college. But, of course, I soon realize that God has my life in control. He knows what is best for me. I simply need to place my trust in Him and things will work out.

So, maybe I won't find Ms. Right in college. Maybe I will. Whoever she is, she is out there, and some day when God thinks the time is right, we shall meet. Until then I will remain here waiting, sometimes worrying, but always knowing that things happen for a reason, and I will enjoy my life as God gives it to me.

100%, A Price That Everyone Can Afford

2006-02-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

First of all, welcome to my first blog. I am new to this so stick with me and give me comments to help me out.

100%. All or nothing. That is what Bob Rice was talking about last night(www.bobricemusic.com and check out his blog at www.bobrice.blogspot.com). He spoke of how we should give everything we have to Jesus. (Oh, I forgot to mention: I am religious and proud of it and will probably post many blogs with some deeper meanings to them.) But back to Bob, he was discussing how we will not fully live life until we fully give life to God. "You can't be half of a saint, you can't be kind of holy..." This made me think, what have I been doing that is keeping me away from God's love? Sure I do alot under the guise of "God's will" but what is my true motivation?

I told Bob last night that he isn't making my life easy. I am currently contemplating a year long volunteer position in Pandiassou, Haiti between Undergrad and Graduate studies. I spent most of the night wondering what my motivation was for wanting to go. Is it truley to help God through helping others? Is it to try to fill a void in my life? Is it to make myself look good in front of others? To tell you the truth I still don't know. I have, however, decided that I am not going to worry about it and let God do his work through me in whatever way He has planned. If things work out and I end up in Haiti, I will do it with all that I have. If God would rather me glorify Him in a different manner, so be it.

You know, one thing I have learned through my short time on Earth is that God will answer your prayers. You must, however, be careful for what you pray for. I am constantly asking God for guidance in my decisions, and I always finish my prayer with "God, you know me... please help make the correct decision obvious so there is no doubt in my mind what You would have me do." I now have come to expect that when God decides to share part of His will with me, it will be about as loud and clear as running head first into a brick wall. I am always one for irony, and apparently God is as well. So, I continue on with my daily life with my latest brick wall courtesy of Bob Rice: "When faced with a tough decision, look at each option. Which one requires more faith to accomplish? Turn that direction, take that path, and never look back."